Sunday, May 15, 2011

What are you afraid of?

Recently Father Mark in our church service asked the question, "what are you afraid of?"

First thought of long term fear icon? I hate those monkeys. When they take off out that window with orders to get Dorothy, my skin crawls. The music, geez, creepy, creepy. They terrified me as a child.

But, I know they aren't real. There are many real fears today, for many of us. Financial fears, relationship fears, health fears and even aging fears. I don't know about you, but every so often, I get a look in the mirror and I see a few more miles on the face.

I am outing myself in my blog this morning. I have something that scares me bad. Real bad. It is something that doesn't scare you, it is my own fear. My own personal creepy fear and I haven't told anyone.

You see, it is time for me to step out of my quiet incubator and get back to the hearing world. And there is only one way to do it. I have to get a cochlear implant. Now, we are talking raw, skin tingling fear. Slam the door shut fear. Cover my eyes and burrow under the blanket fear.

So, what is there to be afraid of? To be blunt, I'm not keen on drilling into my head, implanting this device and then attaching a giant thingamajig to my head with wires leading down to a box. It just has a major ick factor to me. Major creepo factor and fear...what if it doesn't work? What if the world sounds like Mickey Mouse? It really is my last hope to hold on to the hearing world. So, the fear.

The reality of it is this, I'm tired. And my tiredness for the first time outweighs my fear. I am tired of apologizing to people for not hearing them. I'm tired of missing the punch lines, the important news and even the little idle conversation that makes weaves the fabric of my day. I'm tired of accepting less when I want more. I miss my work, I miss the connection and above all, I miss you.

So, if you would, I could use your prayers. I have some investigating to do, right doctor, finances and at the same time, I'll be building my confidence.

From the time Gracie was little, we always talked about facing your fears. Eleanor Roosevelt said "do the one thing you fear the most." Well, it is time to kick the monkeys out of my head and move forward with the plan. I'll keep you posted and I hope you will pray that I find the courage. Thank you for this.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

The best $4 I'll ever spend...

I have been writing letters to my daughter Gracie since she was born. Gracie knows about the letters. She even says, "Mom, don't write about this", when I comment on events.

I rarely share these letters. But, this weekend is Mother's Day and I am going to break the rule. I got my answer to a question I asked myself many years ago. Here is the letter:

Dear Gracie,
You have been at home sick with a cold for two days. Finally, you are feeling better so I thought we would go to Starbucks. You have grown to like a Vanilla Bean Frappaccino. I never thought I would see the day when I would spend $4 on a drink for a nine year old. You want to know the truth? It's the best $4 I'll ever spend.

We sat there in Starbucks on this cold winter day while your classmates were finishing up their day at school. What a treat to be sitting together, watching the snow build on the sidewalk. The high school lets out earlier and Starbucks was filling up with teenagers coming in to hang out.

As I looked around, I noticed that they were all with their friends, not a mom in sight. I looked at you, sucking down your frothy white drink and I asked myself, "will you always want to spend time with me?" Because I know that someday, Starbucks will be the place you are with your friends, not your mother.

And so the $4 drink. It is giving me a memory that will last me through those years when your friends sit opposite you at the table. Someday your friends will take my place in that chair and I'll feel sad that my little girl has other confidants in her life. That is the way it is supposed to be, but I can't help but wonder what will the teenage years will be like? Will you still want to talk to me, dream with me and pass time with me?

So for now, I'll tuck away this memory for someday in the future. Like I said, it's the best $4 I'll ever spend.


Now my little girl is in high school and yes, she spends more of her time with her friends than with her mother. But, this I know...she still likes the Vanilla Bean Frappacino and she still likes to share her dreams with me. The years are passing so fast and yet some things stay the same.

So, I'll have my own Mother's Day celebration. I'll buy Gracie that $4 drink and sit and talk about her day. God, I am blessed. Happy Mother's Day everyone!